Harry Pothead And The Sorceror's Stoned
by Sweet Honey-sempai
Summary: Next on E!: Trueish Hollywood Story: Read the first Harry Potter book, with the script that didn't QUITE make the cut...Ch. 11 up!
1. The Boy Who Must Live For Sake Of Plot

Disclaimer-Don't own it. You can't sue, all I've got are my Hermit Crabs! (Holds Hermit Crabs) No!!!!!! You can't take away Peaches&Herb! (Weeps bitterly) Woe is me!

Disclaimer # 2-If I've stolen anything from SilverPhoenix25 or citygirl1116, it is only because I love your stuff and wish to spread it around.

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The Boy Who Must Live For Sake Of Plot

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Mr. and Mrs. Vernon and Petunia Dungby of number 4, Prissy Drive, were proud to say they were very normal, thank you. You're welcome! Don't mention it! I won't! Fine! Fine! Fine! FINE!!!**__**

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!

Sowwy.

Ahem, they were the last people you'd expect to be mixed up in anything strange or mysterious (although Petunia DID seem oddly upset when Martha Stewert was imprisoned, but I'm SURE that the hoards of American money hidden in the cupboard under the staircase had NOTHING to do with it) because they didn't hold with such nonsense. Which was strange, because we often found books in Petunia's bookshelf that had titles such as _How To Hide From Your Beefy Husband That You're Actually A Witch And Dated Severus Snape But Left Hogwarts When You Were Attacked By Death Eaters And Irrationally Blamed_ _Your Sister For It And Now Live An Angsty And Regretful Life For Dummies._

Vernon Dungby ran a firm called Gruntings, which taught beefy, ugly men to scare small children. Petunia Dungby was very, very thin because she had taken the Atkins Diet way too far. Despite wearing a negative 798 in jeans size, her cholesterol level was now through the roof. Go figure. She also gave insider training tips to evil, sadistic yet surprisingly cheerful domestic-supplies making American women…I mean, she was a happy homemaker that birdies, squirrels, deer, bunny wabbits and all other manners of wildlife creatures that are considered cute and fluffy were instantly attracted to.

Petunia and Vernon had a very large son named Dummy, who was a spoiled piece of shaving cream, which would lead him to a wild life of drugs, drinking, and violence until his untimely death that cause his parents to buy a rabbit that looked exactly like him whom they would spoil, and then he would repopulate and destroy the city until they all died from food poisoning.

The Dungby's had everything they wanted due to Petunia's black-market dealings, except for popularity in the hearts of thousands of 10-year-olds (not to mention cooler names), but they had a secret. A very, deep, dark yet overused secret that was rather predictable. They were terrified that anyone would find out about the Potheads. Not the people that were always sifting through the Dungby's garden for inexplicable reasons, but Petunia's sister. Lily was Mrs. Pothead and married Mr. James Pothead. Petunia hated Lily because Lily was cooler, smarter and way more popular with the men then Petunia could ever be. Plus, Lily had a nice flower name. Stupid Hippie parents. And Lily had a way hotter husband and a cooler son who would someday save the world from becoming a barren wasteland of doom, gloom, and general misery and would marry every female on the planet and some of the males (based on personal preference of fanfiction author).

The Dungbys woke up on a predictably gloomy day, after all, our poor hero was just recently orphaned. The Dungbys acted like normal, boring, suburban people. They did not notice the large owl that landed on their windowsill because they apparently lack observational skills. Or maybe the owl was never there. Maybe the Matrix has him.

Vernon went to work and Petunia made mysterious phone calls. Either way they were predictably evil and foul and we all hate them, the slimy gits/prats/British insult of your choice.

On his way to work, Vernon saw a cat reading a map. He also heard a parent pointing to it and saying to a 2-year-old, "See cat. See map. See cat read map. Read map, cat, read map!"

Vernon started to freak out. Everything abnormal HAD to do with the Potheads, he just KNEW it.

Apparently he only had eyes for cats, because the flock of owls he ran over made no more impression than the bumping of the car. The ASPCA people who ran after him screaming also made no impression at all.

Long story short, Vernon yelled at everyone and then walked home, because the ASPCA people trashed his car.

On the way he bumped into a man, knocked him into a wall, and gave him a minor concussion. Yet the man remained cheerful and hugged Vernon. Vernon then began to freak out because he was homophobic, so he ran all the way home like the judgmental, narrow-minded, prejudiced son of a baseball bat he is.

Who can tell that the author is not very happy with the Amendment?

Vernon saw the cat again as he came home. But this time, the 2-year-old was pulling its tail and it did not look very happy.

Petunia had given all her friends at the Martha Stewert Company a friendly call, and was in a very good mood. She was reading chapter 1 of _How To Hide From Your Beefy Husband can't-be-bothered-to-cut-and-paste For Dummies_: _Cutting Your Sister Out From Every Aspect Of Your Life_. Vernon decided to let her read her book, even though it killed him to let her read fiction. After all, it just COULDN'T be true, even though the real story has too many holes in it to count, and it would explain quite nicely why Snape and Petunia hate Harry without seeming childish.

Vernon turned on the news.

"Good evening," said the anchorman. "Tonight's news: The world sucks and we should all kill ourselves. We report _Nuclear War_ right after these messages!"

Vernon laughed at a Geico commercial. You know, the one where the squirrel runs out in the road and (snort) makes the guy crush and then he (giggle) high-fives the other squirrel? Tee-hee.

"Petunia, have you heard from the Potheads lately?"

"Why, yes, Vernon, they keep tearing up my begonias," she said, glaring at the family of ghetto thugs that were digging up her flowers.

"No, the other Potheads."

"The Potheads? You mean my sister's family? You mean the family of the boy that we'll be forced to adopt even if we hate him, except I don't hate him, I'm just upset because his magic reminds me of how I made the worst mistake of my life? The Potheads who fathered the boy who will be idolized by half the planet, except those really ardent book-burning Catholics who hate magic, who are between the ages of 6 and 45?"

"Yeah, them."

"Nope." She flipped a page. "Haven't heard from them."

Vernon and Petunia went up to bed (though the entire world wonders how Vernon doesn't roll over and kill Petunia in his sleep) thinking that nothing could possibly change in their life.

Poor simpletons. They should've knocked on wood. Makes me wonder if I/Ever had to knock on wood/I'm glad I haven't yet/Because I'm sure it isn't good…

Sorry for that song-and-dance break right there.

Meanwhile, on the street, a hidden Broadway chorus was chanting…

"It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and cream and crimson and silver and rose…"

A chariot of gold appeared from nowhere, which absolutely no one noticed because, of course, it's NIGHT, and apparently no one can see in the dark or stays up late.

The Broadway chorus broke out into, "And he came to Egypt in a chariot of gold! Of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD, of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD, of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!"

Albus Dumbledore stepped out of the chariot. "Sorry, guys, but I'm not Joseph. He just lent me his car for tonight."

There was much grumbling and mumbling as the Broadway chorus cleared away to form a picket line. For God's sake, just sign another contract!

Albus clicked the little button on his keys. The Chariot's door made a "Beep, beep!" sound as it locked.

"You there, baby?" he called silkily.

The cat from earlier transformed into a very unhappy-looking woman with the proverbial stick up her butt. Forget stick, more like plank.

"Albus," she said, irritated, "You know that according to this author, I'm your stepdaughter, so it would be very strange for us to begin making out in the middle of Prissy Drive!"

"Oh, sorry, I got lost in my multiple romances," he said, sighing. "Woe is me!"

"Multiple romances?"

"Well, yeah, mostly I'm paired with you, but some slash writers pair me up with Moody and I think Hagrid was mentioned somewhere."

"Huh. That's weird."

"Ain't it?"

"Hmm…oh, wait!" McGonagall took out her script book and flipped a few pages. Having found her place, she read, slowly and methodically: "Do—you—think—it's—smart—to—let—a—man—with—an—IQ—of—a—peanut—bring—the—main—character—to—this—house—of—doom—and—gloom?"

Dumbledore did not answer. He had downed a bag of assorted candies and was now bouncing off the walls. Strange, because there were no walls. Maybe the Matrix has them, too.

"Oh, Albus, since I'm the only one who ever uses your first name, look at that giant motorcycle hurtling at us from the sky!"

Indeed, a huge motorcycle was hurtling at them from the sky. It, however, missed the street and crashed into a house. The house burst into flames and the people, which included babies, senior citizens, and cripples, all died horrible, grisly deaths.

Dumbledore and McGonagall watched this for a while, before turning to look at Hagrid.

"Oh, Hagrid, is Harry okay?" McGonagall wailed, over the agonizing shouts of the dying people in the burning house.

"Yep!" Hagrid handed something over to Dumbledore.

"Hagrid, that's not Harry," Dumbledore said. "That's a Cabbage Patch Kid."

"Are you kidding?! They stopped making those! Do you know how rare they are?! Gimmee that!" McGonagall snatched the Cabbage Patch doll away and ran off, clutching it to her chest and muttering, "You are my Squishy. I will take you home, and you will be my Squishy."

"Oh, here's Harry!" Hagrid handed over the real baby. Except there are three of them. Did you know that three kids played Baby Harry? Cool, huh? I wonder what they got paid?

"Hagrid…why is the Tinkie-Winkie sign on his forehead?"

Hagrid shrugged. "Don't know, don't care." He got back on his motorcycle. "Oh, by the way, I'm a giant." He took off.

Dumbledore went over to number 4, Prissy Drive and put him on the front step. Now, isn't that cliched? And it's irresponsible, too! What if they didn't notice he was there and stepped on him? But that's young people today, so thoughtless and uncaring. In my day we sat with the baby until the people came out! I remember 1937…it was a good year…

"Good-bye, Harry Potter!" Dumbledore said. "The Boy Who Must Live For Sake of Plot!"

Insert Theme Song Here.


	2. This Is A Story About A Girl Named Lucky

Disclaimer-Own HP? (Blank look)

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This Is A Story About A Girl Named Lucky

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--Theme Song Ends--

Nearly 10 years had passed since Dumbledore had abandoned Harry Pothead on the front step. Hagrid had conveniently lost the motorcycle in his beard, so no one ever saw it again. McGonagall's Squishy now had an altar dedicated to her in the Great Hall.

Oh, yeah, and the Durselys all hate Harry. But we REALLY think that Petunia likes him but Vernon beats her so she doesn't dare show it. Grr.

Speaking of Harry, he was asleep in the cupboard under the stairs. Petunia had moved all the American money to a hole in the ground and told everyone that she had done a family burial to explain the huge bump in the ground. But that's another story—actually, it's just a humorous subplot—for another day when we're all extremely bored.

"Wake up!" Petunia yelled, knocking on the door.

"Yes, I'm a natural blonde," Harry muttered through snores.

"Now!"

"Grandpa's got my money!" he mumbled, turning over.

"Get up, Harry!"

"Stop!…In the name of love…before you break my heart…"

Petunia opened the door and dumped a bucket of ice water on him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Well, you should've gotten up!" Petunia waved her wand and dried him off.

"Aunt Petunia, why do you have a wand?"

"…………………None ya!" she yelled, hiding her wand up her sleeve. "Get up, we're going to the post office today. This is a very special day, you know. This is April 4th, the day we send the government false tax papers."

"Okay," Harry said pleasantly, following Petunia into the kitchen.

"Come on Dudley, I know you can do this," Vernon urged.

Dudley was seating profusely at the table. His pen was poised for action just above the paper, a look of deep concentration on his face. You could tell he was about to pass out from all the mental juices he was working.

"Dudley, you can do this…what is…1 plus 1?!"

"11?" Dudley asked.

"…Close enough." Vernon and Dudley turned to give Harry identical glares. Petunia caught on and glared at him, too.

Harry sat down at the table and pulled out a book entitled How To Rip Off Cinderella But Do It In Such A Way That No One Cares and Copyright Laws Can't Get You by J. K. Rowling. Harry wondered what J. K. stood for. Just Kidding Rowling? Jackalope Kangaroo Rowling? Jelly Kicker Rowling? Why would anyone want to kick jelly? Unless the jelly was a brat and needed a kick…

Harry looked over at Dudley, who was now focused in on question 2 in his workbook, "What is 1 plus 2?" He decided not to risk it.

"Make my breakfast!" Vernon yelled at Harry.

"Sweep the halls!" Petunia yelled at Harry.

"Wash the windows!" Vernon yelled at Harry.

"Draw the drapes!" Petunia yelled at Harry.

"Cinderelly, Cinderelly, night and day it's Cinderelly!" legions upon legions of little mice sang. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, forgot the words. They always keep her hopping. She go around in circles till she's very, very dizzy, still they holler: Hey, guess what, the sequel sucked!"

The mice took their bows and scampered off. Harry wiped tears from his eyes at such a moving production.

Petunia hung up the phone that no one knew she had been using. "Bad news, Vernon. To further the plot and show people how much we suck there's absolutely no one who can baby-sit Harry. Oh, yeah, and Martha just got 5 months in prison and 5 months house arrest." She burst into tears.

"It's all right dear," Vernon said, patting her back. "She knew how much you loved her."

"You think so?" she asked tearfully.

"Of course I do. And guess what, we can irrationally blame this on Harry now!" Vernon thwacked Harry on the head, then immediately had to rush him into the ER for major head trauma.

But Harry healed himself along the way, so they politely thanked the EMTs and then went on their merry way to the post office.

They were all at the post office vending machine getting stamps.

"Exact change," Vernon read on the sign on the machine.

"33 cents," Petunia read on the sign below it.

"No pennies," Harry read on the sign beneath that.

They all stared blankly at the evidence that the postal service people were complete morons and Dudley began to wail. Loudly. He broke all the windows and the poor Fed-Ex guy's glasses.

Harry finally got so annoyed that he yelled out, "Somethinginacreepyforeginlanguagethatwillberelevantinthenextbook!" for no particular reason.

Suddenly, all the letters in their respective boxes broke out and bludgeoned Dudley, so they had to call back the disgruntled EMTs , who considered calling DIFUS on these people who apparently abused both their kids.

"Harry, you're a Postaltongue!" Petunia shouted, pointing at him.

"What's that?"

Petunia stared at him. "Well, isn't it obvious? You can talk to letters!"

"Oh…is that bad?"

"I guess so, otherwise people wouldn't freak out over it."

"Oh…"

* * *

After Dudley had been brought home, Harry sat on his bed thinking angsty thoughts. His parents were dead, his relatives hated him, he had a lifelong bad hair day, and it would be another 5 years before he even went out on a date, despite having a perfectly eligible and available girl as his best friend for 3 and a half of those years before she finally got a boyfriend of indeterminate background.

"She's so lucky! She's a star!" Harry sang with his CD, pirouetting about the room. "But she dies/cries, dies/cries, dies/cries of a lonely heart, thinkin', if there's nothin' missin' in my life, then WHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY do theses tears come at night!?"

Thousand of Punk and Goth high school students stormed his room and beat him up, while the Preps and Jocks wept miserably, the Nerds and Geeks stared blankly, the Goody-Two-Shoes wept bitterly at such a display of violence and started making signs reading "Thou Shalt Not Kill", and the Gamers ignored it all, completely absorbed in their Star Wars: The Clone Wars video games. Have I covered all the high-school stereotypes that actually don't exist, because we're all gonna grow up and get boring 9 to 5 jobs and become corporate slaves despite the music we listened to as teenagers? (Weeps bitterly)

So now Harry was not only all alone in the world, but severely bruised, as well. Sighing disconsolately, he hopped onto his computer and clicked on his e-mail.

Insert Suspenseful Music here.


	3. The SpamMail From No One

Disclaimer-If you think about it, I don't even own the words I use, because I didn't invent the English language. (Chews rubber band and thinks on it)

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The Spam-Mail From No One

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Harry clicked on every link in the e-mail, apparently possessing no respect for other people's privacy. He read one of those Internet quizzes (Turns out Harry was most identified with a llama. Who knew?), a chain letter that threatened painful deaths for those who did not send it within .87 seconds to 502 of their friends (Harry decided to leave that for Uncle Vernon) and then…an e-mail for Harry.

(Cue Dramatic Music)

Harry stared at the bold letters that read: re: Hogwarts Acceptance Letter. Slowly, rapturously, he moved the mouse so that little arrow thingy hovered directly above the link. He began to left-click…so close…

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Out of nowhere, in super slow-mo, Vernon came charging. The house shook with every step he took and the mirror fell off the bathroom wall three houses away. He leapt from the ground, did a triple-quadruple back flip in super-duper slow-mo, narrowly dodging the bullets that came out of nowhere, lunged at Harry, and knocked him from the revolving chair.

"Dude!" Harry yelled indignantly. "I mean, really, could you _BE_ ripping off the Matrix more?"

Chandler Bing lit up a cigarette and grumbled about people who made fun of his speech patterns.

"That's not for you," Vernon said. "It's for some champion chess player in Romania, because apparently, that and Albania are the only important foreign countries except for cameo appearances by France and some indeterminate country. I deleted it."

"Well, that was rude," Harry scolded. "You should have sent it to him instead of deleting it. What if he really needed it? What if it was a last message from his dying mother? What if it was his exotic super-model wife telling him that their ridiculously adorable baby had learned to say "Anorexia"? What if it was about the Gettysburg Address………"

(FIVE HOURS LATER)

"…and a water balloon? Did you ever think of that, huh?"

"What if it was spam-mail?"

Harry looked thoughtful. "Maybe you did him a favor. You get your Deleting-Suspicious-E-mail Badge, Uncle Vernon!"

Vernon pinned the badge to his sash and smiled proudly while Harry skipped off to bed, not thinking it was suspicious at all.

* * *

The next day, the Durselys and Harry were having a nutritious part of this complete breakfast when the phone. Harry ran to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"7 days…" a creepy, disembodied voice answered.

"Well, how did you know it was 7 days until my birthday? I'll finally be an adolescent! I won't get any discounts at buffets or movie theaters anymore! Hey, did you know they discovered Daniel Radcliffe in a movie theater? Isn't that cool? And why does he have blue eyes in the movie? Aren't they supposed to be green? And why does Ron get all the sucky parts? Haven't they totally destroyed Ron's character? And didn't the 3rd movie have a lot more Harry/Hermione than Ron/Hermione? So, who is this?"

"……Sorry, I think I have the wrong number," the same voice said.

"No problem, my good woman!" Harry said cheerfully. He hung up the phone, and then, magically, it rang again!

"Hello?…………Sure, tell me all about your long-distance plan!"

(2 DAYS LATER)

"Yes, yes, Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Aunt Bertha, I'll call," Harry promised sincerely. "Bye-bye now." He hung up.

And the phone rang again! Harry picked it up. "Hello?"

"Are you Harry James Daniel Timothy Henry Samuel Maurice Pothead the 516th?"

"Yeppers!"

"Well, guess what, Harry, you're a wiz…darn, I'm going through a tunnel!" The connection broke.

"I'm a wiz?" Harry asked incredulously. A stunning smile suddenly spread across his lips. "I'm a wiz!"

He ran through the streets yelling, "I'm a wiz! I'm a wiz!" Old ladies sighed sadly and declared it was a shame that such a fine-looking boy should be…slow. The Potheads beat him up.

* * *

"Guess what?" Vernon announced over breakfast the next day. "We're going to an abandoned island to keep us safe!"

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Well, that's my timeshare."

"Why?"

"Because it is."

"Why?"

"Because that's how God intended it."

"Why?"

"Because He's all-powerful and all-knowing."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Harry was stumped at this, so he went to pack his bags.

* * *

And so, to keep the family safe, Vernon led them to his timeshare abandoned island in a rickety old boat. The house seemed to be made of popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue but they overlooked that.

Predictably, Harry slept on the floor, wrapped in nothing but a blanky and cuddling a stuffed bunny.

Poor, poor Harry. Today he would turn 11 and nobody cared. That didn't quite match up, because the "7 days" phone call had only been 3 days ago, but Harry shrugged it off as merely a glitch in the Matrix, and wept disconsolately.

"Oh, woe is me!" he wailed angstily (From Webster's Dictionary: "Angstily" is not a word). "I must suffer the predictably cruel fate of every protagonist on the planet: A meanie step-family and no apparent way out until someone delightfully strange rescues me! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Quite suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

"Who's there?" Harry called.

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

KNOCK, KNOCK

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

KNOCK, KNOCK

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

KNOCK, KNOCK

(3 HOURS, 49 MINUTES AND 2.83 SECONDS LATER)

KNOCK KNOCK

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?"

(Cue Laugh Track)


	4. The Keeper of the Peas

Disclaimer-(Battles away lawyers)

A/N-I don't hate Catholics. How could I, my mom is Catholic! But those people who go around saying that Harry Potter is demonic really get on my nerves and yes, most of them are Catholic. So don't go around saying I'm prejudiced, or I'll sic my flying hermit crabs of doom and gloom upon you!

* * *

The Keeper of the Peas

* * *

BOOM

The door fell in. The Durselys all woke up and came running into the room because, apparently, they'd slept through the whole knock-knock joke.

The very large man that everyone should recognize easily came into the room.

"FE FI FO FUM…wait." Hagrid tossed a script over his shoulder. "I'm shooting that tomorrow. Anyway…where's Harry Potter?"

"Here!" Harry called in a childish voice, raising his hand.

"Ah, Harry, I could go into a long and tragically sweet trail of memories about you as a baby but the author doesn't feel like it. My name is Rubeus Hagrid, but since Rubeus is too nice a name for me, call me Hagrid."

"Get out of my house!" Vernon yelled, pulling the trigger.

It hit Hagrid. He seemed to freeze, and then, in slow-mo, he fell face forward to the floor. Harry ran to him and somehow managed to turn him on his back. How he did it, we shall never know.

"Harry…" Hagrid said in a raspy voice. "I need you…to take over the family business…Kaley Cuoco can't handle it."

"Hagrid."

"Tell my wife I love her, would you?"

"Uh, Hagrid."

"Dark…it's getting so dark…"

"Hey, Hagrid."

"Dad, is that you?"

"HAGRID. It was a WATER GUN."

Harry pointed to the gun in Vernon's hands. It was bright purple and had "Super Soaker" emblazoned across it.

"Yeah, I know, but this was my only opportune moment for a death scene." Hagrid took out his resume and scribbled that piece of useful information on it.

"Now," he said as he pocketed his resume. "I'm the Keeper of the Peas at Hogwarts."

"Do you work in a bathroom or a receptical tank?" Harry asked innocently.

Hagrid stared at him blankly. "Peas as in VEGETABLES, Harry."

"…OH."

Hagrid sighed and took a very dip swig of Irish Ale.

"Well, Harry, there's something you should know. I am your FAAAAAAAATHER."

"No, you're not."

"I know, but I wanted to try out Darth Vader." Hagrid quickly wrote that on his resume, too. "You're actually a wizard!"

"A wizard? Someone on a cell phone told me I was a wiz."

"A WIZ?!" Hagrid roared. Angrily, he turned Dudley into a big yellow bird, which turned out to be a blessing rather than a literal curse, because he went on to become loved by 3-year-olds everywhere with the pseudonym "Big Bird".

(Ripping off SilverPhoenix25? Why, whatever do you mean?)

"Harry, your parents were the best of the best wizards of the day, beloved by all except the book-burning Catholics! They fought the evil forces of murder, corruption, pollution, and double-parking until they were tragically killed by the antagonist!"

"Really?" Harry had always been told his parents died in a freak Twizzlers accident. It was very tragic.

"Yep! And you'll be going to school to learn magic even though no one can really think of jobs that require magic besides teaching it."

Hagrid handed Harry a printed-out e-mail.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT, WIZARDRY, AND IMPERFECTIONS OF PIG FLESH

By order of Headmaster Albus Many-Middle-Names Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, 1st class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump of International Confederation of Wizards, and All-Around Nice Guy)

"Dear Harry James Daniel Timothy Henry Samuel Maurice Pothead the 516th," Harry read out loud. "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Imperfections of Pig Flesh because we simply must further the plot. RSVP. Yours, Minerva McGonagall, otherwise known as M&M."

"He's not gonna go," Vernon said, crossing his arms and stamping his foot.

"Shut up, you Muggle," Hagrid said.

Petunia shrieked and covered Dudley's ears.

"Well, there was no need to get rude about it," Vernon said huffily. He turned to the camera. "It's like this all the time!" he complained. "All he ever calls me is "Muggle"! And he never does his own laundry either!"

"Did you know I was a wizard?" Harry asked.

"Of course we know! Haven't you read my book How To Hide From Your Beefy can't-be-bothered-to-cut-and-paste For Dummies? If you had read it, you would realize that I'm a witch, too, and I dated Severus Snape until Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black tried to kill me and I thought that Snape had set me up so I left Hogwarts and had a fight with your mother and never spoke to her again and now I have to look after you and live, as the title says, an angsty and regretful life. Good God, no one reads anymore! You know who's to blame? MTV. Or Canada. One of them. Or both of them. God!"

Petunia stormed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.

"So, Hagrid, who's the antagonist?" Harry asked serenely.

"A very, very, evil wizard by the name of…_MOLDYWARTS_."

Lightning struck. Horses reared. A woman screamed. Goldfish swam in a circle. All other manners of panic were induced.

"But how did I survive?"

"Harry, don't you know that's part of a plot device saved for the 5th Book?" Hagrid asked sadly, shaking his head. "The ex-witch is right, no one reads anymore." He sighed. "But anyways, Moldywarts gave you that sign on your forehead."

Harry rubbed the Tinkie-Winkie sign furiously. "Is that why La-La and Po are always trying to make-out with me? At the same time?"

"I guess. So, Harry, ready to plunge into a book series and be loved by nearly all the planet?"

"Oh, why not?" Harry said happily. He took Hagrid's arm and skipped merrily from the house, then skipped merrily back in because it was raining and Hagrid didn't like getting wet.


	5. Diagon Alley Can't Think Of Funny Altera...

Disclaimer-I know naught of this ownership you speak of!

Shout-outs:

Dadivaunv—Catholics ARE Christians. Catholicism isn't a separate religion, it's just a denomination of Christendom. Like Protestantism and Deism (That's me)! Methodists, Baptist, Lutherans, etc are all subdivisions of Protestantism.

* * *

Diagon Alley—Can't Think of Funny Alteration

* * *

Birdies chirped and squirrels hunted acorns. Dolphins barked and played happily. Wolves and deer made friends. It was a day Snow White would've been proud of.

"Oh, Danny BOOOOOOOOOY, oh DANNY BOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY, I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry and the Durselys all turned to stare at Hagrid.

"Blah, blah, blah, nobody cares what I say," Randy said.

"Oh, you're so adorable. I love you. You are so totally you singing Irish laments. Call me," Paula said, tears of happiness and admiration in her eyes.

"You suck. I hate you. You should go drown yourself before you torture anyone else's eardrums," Simon said.

Petunia made the AI judges disappear with her wand. Nobody noticed she had it, though, because they all figured it was another glitch in the Matrix. Anyways, an owl swooped in and gave Hagrid the paper.

Front Page Headline: THERE WAS A BOMB SOMEWHERE THAT KILLS LOADS OF PEOPLE, SURVIVORS SAY: "WHAT ELSE IS NEW????"

Second Page Headline: JENNIFER LOPEZ MARRIES 17th BOYFRIEND, FAMILY SAYS: "WHAT ELSE IS NEW?????"

Third Page Headline: THIS STUFF IS NEW!!!

The owl had a sign on it that says "Must be paid in food or money". The owl looked around, and spotted the familiar red box. It swooped in, grabbed the box with its talons, and made to escape.

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Harry yelled, jumping on the box and pinning it down, the owl still trying to flap off with it. "Get your own box!!"

The owl beat him about the face with his wing, making Harry let go of the box, and then flew from the house before anyone could stop him.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN –deep breath— OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

For, you see, Harry had lost a priceless treasure. He had lost…

White Cheddar Cheez-its.

(Cue Violin)

"Let's go shopping, Harry!" Hagrid said.

"Okay!" Harry said, Cheez-its forgotten.

"How dare you?!" Vernon yelled, weeping and holding a picture of the Cheez-its. "She's not even cold yet!!!!!!!"

And Harry and Hagrid left the house of much weeping and gnashing of teeth behind them.

* * *

Hagrid and Harry first went to the bank, where Harry's discovered, by the ATM receipt, that he was a bajillionaire. They wasted much time there, because the machine ate Hagrid's ATM card, and they had to get a new one from the goblins, and Hagrid was very mad because he needed something from the vault but he didn't have is ID on him so they wouldn't let him get it. Finally he punched out the goblins and stole it, along with some of Harry's money. Then he gave Harry and himself sunglasses so they wouldn't be recognized as bank robbers and he made sure his timeshare in Costa Rica was still available. It was all very exciting and Harry was somehow sure it would be relevant later on, but he just wasn't sure how.

Harry was reading the list of requirements.

"All first year students require books whose authors all have names somehow relating to the subject which you never actually use anyway and we just assign them to make the Weasleys look poor," Harry read off. "They also require cloaks and robes until third year, when apparently you can wear jeans. You can have a pet as long as you bring a Pooper-Scooper with it." He looked up at Hagrid. "Wowies-bajowies Hagrid, can we buy all this in London?"

"Yep!"

So Hagrid and Harry strolled the streets of London. Harry stopped to get an autograph from Courtney Cox-Arquette, who was shooting the London episodes with the rest of the cast, and told Matt and Lisa on no uncertain terms that Joey and Phoebe belong together. After glaring at the script writers, Hagrid and Harry went on their merry way.

Then Hagrid and Harry finally arrived at the store. The store where you can buy anything. The holy of holies. The store of…

WAL-MART.

(Cue Angelic Choir of Angelic Angels)

"You can go get your clothes by yourself. I'm shooting Jack and the Beanstalk today," Hagrid said, magically disappearing, even though since he was expelled in his 3rd year, he would never have been able to learn to Apparate.

Harry yippee-skippeed into the clothing section of Wal-Mart. After having picked out a predictably boring outfit (Author is female and therefore bad at describing boys' clothes) and went to the changing rooms.

"These leather pants are too tight!" a blonde boy whom we all recognize right off the bat screamed at the legions upon legions of scurrying, pathetic creature. "They're chaffing me! Get me some more! Now!"

And the scurrying, pathetic creatures scurried pathetically to get him another set of leather pants.

Draco caught Harry staring at him. He quickly rearranged his facial features. "Yo, smack wid da shizzo, homedog."

"Word, my brudda," Harry answered, and went to his own stall to change.

When he came out, Draco had also changed into a new set of pants.

"Pleather's de shiznat, yo," Harry said politely. "It's _old school_, yo."

"This one makes my butt look big!" he yelled at the scurrying, pathetic house-elves. "Ain't worth shizzo, yo, like the rest of ya!"

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Harry yelled, wagging his finger in the air.

"Oh, yeah, I did, Bizzlenatch."

"Like, you're so rude!" Harry yelled, flinging around his hand, which suddenly sported a bright red manicure. "It's like, so bad for my aura. Seriously! Now I need to go buy incense. Bye-bye, loser, loser, double loser, whatever, as if, get the picture, duh!" Harry flounced away to go buy incense. Never mind the fact that the last time he burned incense he set the house on fire. In fact, that was why the house on Vernon's timeshare was made of popsicle sticks. Vernon was apparently pretty cheap with building materials.

Hagrid suddenly reappeared. "Hogwarts has four houses," he said for no particular reason. "In a nutshell, Gryffindors rocks, Slytherin sucks, and no one really cares about Ravenpuff and Huffleclaw."

"RAVENCLAW AND HUFFLEPUFF!!!!!!!!!" fangirls all over the world screamed, and promptly burst into tears at the thought of the death of whatever ridiculously hot guy they got to play Cedric who says a grand total of two lines and flexes his pecs even after he dies.

"Because now we can see how JKR prioritizes personalities," Hagrid continued. "In all actuality, bravery, intelligence, industriousness, and ambition are all good qualities but there has to be the predictable house of evil people that no one in their right mind would want in their school except everyone knows Dumbledore's not in his right mind. How can the poor guy be, people are always making him hook up with McGonagall, Moody, me, Hermione, you, Snape, Moldywarts, and Bellatrix."

"Who's Bellatrix?"

"Don't worry, you'll hate her later. She has a predictably evil name, so we can know that for certain. Oh, and she's Moldywarts's…"

The Censors, having taken a coffee break from Jerry Springer, glared at him.

"…_Advisor_, yeah, that's it." Hagrid coughed loudly.

Harry got his aforementioned books and Hagrid bought him a bag of fish for a pet.

"And now, for my wand," Harry said. "A come-from-behind awkward moment that will somehow be relevant in upcoming years."

"Right you are, Harry. Right you are."

Harry and Hagrid went and got Harry's wand, which had a phoenix feather core (Note subtle irony with 5th book) that turned out to be taken from the same phoenix that supplied the wand core to Moldywarts's brother's sister-in-law's ex-husband's father's uncle's stepmother's aunt's best friend's barber's ex-lover's cousin's dog's former owner's grandmother's stepson who happened to be Moldywarts.

Harry and Hagrid went to get some McDonald's.

"Oh, but Hagrid, I'm just a lowly 11-year-old who sets fires to houses with incense," Harry exclaimed. "How could I _ever_ do _anything_ that would somehow save the world and be beloved by all except the Fundamentalists and the Orthodox Southern Baptists?"

"I though it was Catholics who hate us?"

"Apparently not. J-chan once again got her facts mixed up. OW!" Harry was poked with mechanical pencil.

"Well, no worries there, Harry, you're name's in the title, so you obviously must do something important."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"Absotively posolutely?"

"YES, NOW SHUT UP!!!!!!"

Harry shut up and drank his Pepsi-Coke-Dr. Pepper-Hi C-Brisk Ice Tea-more Pepsi drink that he had concocted at the McDonald's soda machine.

(Cue Scene Change Music)

* * *

Once again, I have **_NO_** religious vendetta against anyone, but people who burn FICTIONAL books saying "They teach kids to be evil, Devil-worshipping Wiccans and Pagans!" really bother me. Especially because Wiccans don't worship the Devil and I don't think Pagans do, either. 


	6. Not Exactly What The Brochure Said

Disclaimer-……I pity your families…

A/N-Yes, I am going to make parodies of the other books.

* * *

Not Exactly What The Brochure Said

* * *

(End Scene Change Music)

Harry walked happily into the Dursley's house.

"Hey, how did you guys get off the island?" he asked the Dursleys.

…………………………Y'know, that's a fair question How DID they get off the island?

Author ponders it for a bit, then shrugs and continues the story

* * *

Harry, for the next month, was generally boring. Oh, and he turned his fish into an owl.

At long last, Harry finally arrived at some random train station.

"How do I get on to platform 9 and ¾?" he wailed, realizing for the first time that that was his station.

"It's easy, Harry, all you have to do is run into this brick wall," Petunia explained, pointing to a pillar.

"Well, you guys don't know, apparently, so away with you!" Harry said.

The Dursleys all disappeared.

"Darn it!" Harry howled. "How am I supposed to find my way to the station that should be absolutely crawling with wizards toting owls and cats and such, yet attracting no attention at all?"

Immediately he was run over by a cart toting an owl, a cat, and such, yet attracting no attention at all.

A large family came running after the cart.

"HOW DARE YOU LET THAT CART GET AWAY FROM YOU??!!" the mother, Molly, was screaming. "YOU COULD HAVE SERIOUSLY HURT SOMEONE oh, look, dears, here's a poor, lost, wandering soul."

(Cue "Poor Wandering One" from Pirates of Penzance)

"I'm Harry Pothead," Harry said.

(Cue Collective Gasp)

Harry looked back and forth between the twins. "I can't tell! Which one of you is Mary-Kate and which one is Ashley?"

The twins stared at him, rapidly blinking out Morse Code. You see, they are only allowed 15 words per movie between the two of them, so they wanted to save them for when they really needed them.

"I'm not even supposed to be here, since I'm not going to Hogwarts this year," Ginny, who has unlimited Rollover Lines, said. "But I think I'll fall in love with you right here and now and project the Inner Squealy Fangirl of all Ginny/Harry writers. Will you sign my bum?"

Ginny disappeared. She apparently forgot that the author is a Harry/Hermione shipper.

Percy was talking on his cell phone. "Look, I've told you a thousand times, you want GEICO, not WEASEL. Where'd you get my cell number, anyway?" He paused as the other person talked, and then grinned. "So, what are you wearing?"

"Hi, Harry, I'm Ron," Ron said. "You can tell right off the bat that the only thing I'll be good for is comic relief, because even my rat is a more important character than I am. I have a feeling we'll be bestest of friends!"

Harry began to tear up. "I'VE NEVER HAD A BESTEST FRIEND!!!"

Harry and Ron linked arms and skipped off into the brick wall, singing, "WE GO TOGETHER LIKE RAMA-LAMA-LAMA, KA-DINGITY-DINGY-DONG!!!!!!!!! WAOOOOOOOOOOOH-YEAH!!!!!!!!"

* * *

"Hey, Harry, want a weird and disgusting CGI candy?" Ron said. They had were sitting together in a compartment, like bestest friends should.

"Sure!"

Harry picked up a Chocolate Frog, and then gasped and threw it to the floor.

"What's the matter?" Ron exclaimed.

"Kill it! Kill it!" Harry jumped on the box, effectively crushing it and getting chocolate stains on the floor. Does he know how hard it is to get chocolate out of the carpet?

"Harry! What was that for?"

"I saw…the most horrific…the absolute evil…it was a…a…a…POKEMON CARD!!!!!!!"

"Wh-which one?"

"It was a PIKACHU!"

Ron screamed like a little girl and hid under the seat.

Suddenly, the door opened. A girl with a Very Goofy Movie-esque 'fro named Hermione stood there.

"WouldyoutwostopyellingIt'sruiningmyhair!!!"

"How?" Harry asked.

"Wellwhenyoutalkyourealeasesalivaaswellasair…"

TWO HOURS LATER

"…andthat'showIfoundWaldo!" Hermione yelled, proudly brandishing a child's book.

She walked out.

Ron was flipping through his script/character guide. "Nope, this year I'm supposed to hate her. It's only the even-numbered books in which I like her."

Suddenly, the door opened again. Draco and his posse entered. His posse consisted of some no-name scantily-clad girls, Beavis, and Butthead.

"Well, hello, Draco!" Ron said amicably. "What brings you to our humble neck of the…train?"

"Talk to the back 'cause you need a Tic Tac. Not one, not two, but the whole dang pack!" Draco recited.

Ron curled into a fetal position and cried.

"Get out! Get out!" Harry yelled. "I'm not really that threatening and we both have bad one-liners but apparently, you're frightened of me!"

Draco and his posse ran away screaming. Not because of Harry, oh no. They had seen the remains of the Pikachu card and that was the sign of evil even Moldywarts was frightened of. Oh, and he was frightened of Harry's Tinkie-Winkie sign. But nobody knows that…

* * *

"All right, guys, for no reason at all we're gonna put you on a boat so you can freeze to death," Hagrid said.

"Hagrid," Harry said, squinting at the side of the boat. "Why does it say Titanic on the side of the boat?"

(Cue Ominous Feeling)

"Um…no reason!"

After a fairly uneventful ride—well, if you can call crashing into an iceberg and nearly drowning uneventful—they arrived at the Hogwarts Castle.

Hagrid knocked on the door. "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"

"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin chin!" a squeaky voice answered.

"Then I huff (deep breath) and I'll puff (another deep breath) and I'll BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW your house down!"

"Hagrid, wouldn't it be easier to just open the door?" Ron said.

Hagrid looked around. "Did someone hear something?"

Ron wept bitter, lonely tears. Oh, the pain of being a secondary character.

"Y'knowthiscastlelookssuspiciouslyliketheoneinBeautyandtheBeast," Hermione said.

The new students watched a bunch of sissy Frenchmen singing show tunes try to knock the door in until they got run over by a UPS truck.

The door swung open of its own accord.

(Cue Creepy Organ Music)


	7. The Sorting Hat Is Phat, Yo

Disclaimer-No own, no sue!

* * *

The Sorting Hat Is Phat, Yo

* * *

(End Creepy Organ Music)

Professor McGonagall stood in the hallway. She looked generally unpleasant.

"I'm Professor McGonagall. Do as I say or I'll kill you."

Lightning struck. Everyone looked up. The stage crew guys yelled down a muffled, "Sorry!". McGongall shook her head, grumbled about that being the 6th time this week, and led the students towards the Great Hall.

"You're going to be sorted into houses," she said as they stopped outside the typical humungous double doors. "It's very important because it determines whether or not you're going to be important in the story."

The students gasped and whispered emphatically.

"It also determines whether you're the protagonist or antagonist. So try to get into Gryffindor, won't you?"

The students gasped and whispered emphatically some more.

The double doors swung open and the students went, single-file like good little brainwashed brats, and somehow managed to align themselves in alphabetical order. How, we shall never know.

"Everybody in the spot tonight! Everybody getting sorted tonight!" someone rapped. Everyone looked around to see who it was. Could it possibly be that ugly hat on the stool with its brim moving?

No. It was Mr. Jiggyfly. He was in the corner, rapping for the hip-hop mob bosses.

The students watched him for a while, then turned back to the hat.

But when the hat straightened up, they saw that it had a heavy fake gold chain, and a baseball hat turned backward and upside down sat upon its head.

(Cue Unoriginal Rap Music)

"Have you ever seen a Hufflepuff be important to the story, being cool _in Hogwarts_?!

Have you ever seen a Ravenclaw act dumb besides Cho Chang, her booty shaking _in Hogwarts_?!

Have you ever seen a Slytherin be a poor Mudblood, but still be cool _in Hogwarts_?!

Have you ever seen a Gryffindor who won't get his/her own fanclub, fangirls screaming _in Hogwarts_?"

So fresh, so fly, so sweet, so polite!

Ravenclaws are neat-o but turn out freaks and tarts!

There's the Slytherin talk, the Slytherin walk

There's prejudice over there and it didn't just start!

Hufflepuffs are kinda dumb

Their heads are big drums

They like to work, not to play, so we'll ignore them

Nah, don't worry none

Gryffindors have cool wands

Fired up to make the evil Dark Wizards gone

You sitting in my school

Waiting to eat

Hip-Hop's not cool in England, apparently!

Up in the school with your hands in the air

So much Quidditch in the atmosphere

Malfoy, quit fronting, you can't play for beans!

Harry, you're the protagonist so you can fly sweet!

Hermione, you're really smart, you read lots of books!

Ron, you've got fangirls, they think you got some looks!

You're the only VIP in the stories, you're cool!

And I'm just this weird, rapping, CGI tool!

Have you ever seen a Hufflepuff be important to the story, being cool _in Hogwarts_?!

Have you ever seen a Ravenclaw act dumb besides Cho Chang, her booty shaking _in Hogwarts_?!

Have you ever seen a Slytherin be a poor Mudblood, but still be cool _in Hogwarts_?!

Have you ever seen a Gryffindor who won't get his/her own fanclub, fangirls screaming _in Hogwarts_?"

(Author does not want to attempt parody-ing the rest of the song because hip-hop severely annoys her)

The mindless drones clapped and turned to McGonagall. The professor quickly snatched do-rag of her head and shoved it in her pocket.

The Sorting was very boring and nobody cared about anyone else. Hermione went to Gryffindor, Draco went to Slytherin, and Ron went to Gryffindor in the projected future.

Harry finally went up to the Hat. He put it on his head and sat down.

"Yo, yo, you CENSORED you should be in Slytherin 'cause that'll show ya inner angst."

"Yeah, but it'd be kinda dumb to place me among the antagonists wouldn't it? Word."

"Yeah, I be thinking so. Smack wid da shizzo and back up da hubcap, playa. WOOOOOOOOOOOORK."

And Harry went to Gryffindor and was very, very happy.

Dumbledore stood up. "Hark! The tale I do tell-eth is the Setting!"

(Cue Collective Gasp)

"Hear ye, hear ye! Away from the 3rd-Floor stay ye or die grisly deaths, unless you are Harry, Ron, and Hermione! Thee protagonists shall-eth have the chance to flex thy own strengths, even though it's the last time-eth Ron shall have-eth to be important-eth to-eth the-eth story-eth. Hark!" He sat down.

(Author has just blatantly ripped off citygirl116 and begs forgiveness from her Greatness)

And they all skipped merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily to their common rooms, because life is but a dream! Or, in Spanish: Allegre, allegre, allegre, allegre a dormitorios de nosotros, porque vida es un el sueño!

Speaking of dreams, Harry had a very strange one. There were Pikachus floating around his head and he was doing a grind line with La-La and Po. Moldywarts was hugging something to him…something that looked like a Cabbage Patch Doll...

Harry woke up, very, very scared. Ron was muttering about tap-dancing spiders, which Harry thought was strange. Then he thought about spiders…arachnids…scorpions…which sounded like "snakes"…he wondered why everything evil seems to have an "S" in it…he thought about sea cucumbers…then about cucumbers…then about melons…then about sweet…then about sugar…then about how many cups of sugar it takes to reach the moon.

He took out his calculator, decided it took 15 gazillion, and promptly fell asleep.

(Cue Scene Change Music)


	8. The Completely Fanfic Based Potions Mast...

Disclaimer-I own nothing

A/N-I bow down low before citygirl1116 and UnderneathTheBridge, for I am about to steal from their stuff

* * *

The Completely Fanon-Based Potions Master

* * *

Harry and Ron waltzed into Snape's classroom. Quite literally.

"Harry, your three-step is coming long quite nicely," Ron complimented.

"1-2-3, 1-2-3 and……DIP!" Harry instructed, and Ron swung him down deep.

When Ron brought Harry up, they stared at each other for a long time. Harry's rich, emotional emerald green (Or sapphire blue, if you prefer the movies…if there is such a race of people) were locked into the dark, deep depths of Ron's…whatever color his eyes are.

"How dare you!" Draco Malfoy walked to them and slapped both of them. "You're both cheating on me!"

"And Ron is cheating on me, too!" Hermione said. She was suddenly tall and gorgeous, because she had "filled out in all the right places", and she was dressed like a Victoria's Secret model.

She slapped Ron, and then threw herself on Harry. "Oh, Harry, darling love, be mine!"

(Author is quite enjoying this particular scene)

"Ahem."

(Author throws something heavy—perhaps OOTP book?—at Snape's head. It unfortunately misses)

"Sit down!" Snape bellowed, and they all scurried to sit. "Potter, you breathed! A billion points from Gryffindor!"

Harry and Ron grumbled, grumbled, grumbled.

"Weasley, you had better stop grumbling…I prefer it when you whisper sweet nothings…"

"WHAT?!" Hermione jumped up and threw her cauldron at Snape. "You're late on Child Support **_AGAIN_**, and you think you can flirt with Ron right in front of me?!"

"Darling sweetie angel love, I told you, I couldn't taint our daughter's innocence by drawing her into my evil life of evil with the evil people who are EVIL!"

"Oh, Sevvie!" Hermione began weeping. "I don't care! Little Alexandria Sapphira Esmeralda Amelia Clarrise Raven Serena Katherine just wants her daddy!"

"How dare you, Severus!" Draco yelled. "I needed you to protect my poor lost soul from the abuse/psychological damage/ritual sacrifice/high heels/starvation/unmentionable things for a PG fic that my father puts me through, and you leave me for that Mudblood? Not that I blame you, though, she IS very sexy."

"I know!" Ron said, trying to look up Hermione's skirt.

She slapped him. "I don't care if we're dating, Ron, you cannot look up my skirt! Harry, on the other hand…"

"Sorry, Hermione," Harry said. "But I'm drawn to the black blackness of Severus's black eyes. Or maybe I'm drawn to Draco's hairstyle that lets him swim like a fish. Or Ron, just because he's Ron. Or Ginny. Or maybe even Sirius. Or maybe I'm into my own mother…darn, I need a Time Turner for that. Hermione, let me see your Time Turner for no particular reason."

Despite the fact that she doesn't get the Time Turner for two more years, Hermione accidentally drops the Time Turner and they were all sucked into a swirly-whirly-cue-shell vortex into guess where!

"Oy, look Prongsie! Girls!"

Sirius rushed in to meet all the pretty girls. He was sexy. Really, really sexy. Good God, he was ever sexy. You could pop popcorn on him; he was that hot.

"Hi, I'm Sirius Lee Black, the Hogwarts Gigalo."

He smiled with dazzling, pure white, pearly teeth. Half the class fainted. The other half shrieked and went blind.

"Hi, I'm Remus Lupin," said another guy. He looked very worn out, but in that rugged, world-wise, sexy way. He scratched his ears. "And I'm Sirius's boyfriend. Wait, maybe I'm Lily's-bestest-friend/American cousin's boyfriend. Oh, I don't know. I'm going to go stalk sheep…almost as if…I'm a werewolf or something…"

No one raised an objection, so he walked away.

"Hi, I'm Peter Pettigrew," another boy said. He was decidedly not attractive, but ugly, chubby, and just generally looked stupid. A thousand fangirls attacked him with knives and he died slowly and painfully. The world rejoiced and was glad.

"Hi, I'm James Potter," the last boy said. He wore glasses, but they were the sexy kind of glasses. He pointed to Harry. "Hey, you look exactly like me except you have green eyes. Golly gee, who in the world could have green eyes that I know of? I just can't think of anybody."

Lily Evans and her two best friends, one of which was named Kate, waltzed into the scene.

"I hate you, Potter."

"I hate you, Evans."

They proceeded to make out.

"Hey, Lily has green eyes," Sirius commented, and all girls in a fifty-mile radius promptly swooned at the sound of his silky, sexy voice. "But there's no WAY that Lily could be James II's mom. There's just NO WAY. Well, please excuse me, I most go make out with Remus now."

As Sirius walked away, Younger Snape walked in. He looked exactly like Older Snape. He was holding a Cher doll protectively to his chest.

"The preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssss, must protect the precioussssssssssssssssssssssssss from the filthy hobittsses…I mean, Mudbloods."

James flicked his wand and Younger Snape was suddenly Michael Jackson.

Older Snape burst into tears and fell to the floor. Draco, Hermione, and Harry all ran to him to comfort him.

"I'm a frail, delicate soul!" Older Snape sobbed. "Just a few harsh words and I'm broken, Harry/Hermione/Draco, I'm broken…The preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…give us the preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!"

He grabbed the Cher doll from Younger Snape and ran away, laughing maniacally about filthy hobittses/Mudbloods.

"Y'know, Harry, you're mother's real hot, even if she is a Mudblood," Draco mused. "But, then, so is Hermione…and so are you."

"Hey, lookit!" Ron picked up the Time Turner, and suddenly the Potions class was whipped back into 1999, NOT 1991.

(Author is very adamant about Harry and others being born in 1988)

"1000 points from Gryffindor for being Potter's son!" Snape yelled at Harry. "Though…I don't know why, but I feel a sort of paternal connection to you. Maybe it's that affair I had with Lily, the Angel Of All That Is Holy."

"Hey, that makes us brothers!" Draco said. "Snape had an affair with my mom, too. And my dad…and me, for that matter. Small world, ain't it?"

The bell rang. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco sent one last wistful, loving look at Snape, and then left the room.

Snape made sure that everyone was out of the room. He looked the door, and then ran to the desk. He unlocked a drawer, then took out a box, then another box, then another box, then another box…

(15,000 BOXES LATER)

Snape cradled the mint-condition Cher doll in his arms like a baby. "Myyyyyyyyyyyyy preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…………"


	9. The Midnight CGI

Disclaimer-No own, no sue!

A/N-For this chapter, I give thanks to SilverPhoenix25, Chibi Kat, UnderneathTheBridge, and Evadne for inspiration

* * *

The Midnight CGI

* * *

All of Gryffindor and Slytherin 1st-years, which comprises of about 15 people, stood outside waiting for their flying lessons.

"Hi! I'm Madame Marla Hooch," their flying instructor said. "And, yes, I did drop my hair dryer in the toilet this morning. Now the first thing you have to do is think happy thoughts!"

Everyone thought happy thoughts. No one wants to know what they were, especially judging by the strange look on Draco's face.

"Now, put your hand over your brooms and say up!"

Ron's, Neville's, and Harry's broom shot up. Ron's and Neville's slid gracefully into their hands. They straddled them and took off into the air, doing loop-de-loops and barrel rolls with enviable ease.

No one was paying attention, however, because Harry's broom had clocked him in the head. Angrily, he grabbed the broom as it took off and he was dangling by it with one hand. The broom ran into Ron and Neville and they fell to the ground, breaking several bones in the process. Everyone pointed and laughed. Oh, the pain of being comic relief.

"Oh look, a birdie," Harry said. He reached out and grabbed a birdie. Then he let go of his broom and fell to the ground, but he landed gracefully because the birdie flapped its wings and acted like a parachute.

Everyone screamed with delight and it was decided that Harry would be Seeker for the Quidditch team. Ron and Neville wept the bitter tears of being secondary characters.

* * *

Ron and Harry were eating a delicious meal when Draco came up to them.

"Potter."

"Malfoy."

"Potter."

"Malfoy."

"Potter!"

"Malfoy!

"POTTER!"

"MALFOY!"

"There are children present!" Ron shouted at them. "They don't need to hear that kind of language!"

They ignored him.

"Harry Potter." Malfoy took off his glove. "I challenge you to a duel." He glove-slapped him.

"Fine. Ron will be my second."

"What makes you think he'll listen to you?"

"Because I, unlike other Harry Potters, can speak with a British accent."

(Just keep telling yourself that, Blue-Eyes.)

Draco walked away.

* * *

Harry and Ron were walking down the dark corridors at night, arms around each other, singing something from the Village People.

Wait…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Suddenly, Hermione appeared.

"You can't do this! You're going to get everyone in trouble! I lost enough points for Gryffindor! Hey, it wasn't my fault that my hair ate a second year! He should've read the Caution Sign! YOU CAN'T JUDGE ME!! ONE DAY WE SHALL ALL BE JUDGED!!!!!!!!!"

"Where'd you come from?" Harry asked. "And why aren't you talking in Too-Much-Sugar language?"

Hermione shrugged. "I took a sedative and suddenly I was here. Maybe it's because the label on my sedative was LSD. But I just figured that it belonged to Ludmilla Sally Diggleshire."

"Well, it's better to be here than floating around in the Yellow Submarine," Harry said.

"Guess so. Oh, and when we get back to the Common Room, expect a lot of cubic zirconium clouds."

"Okay."

"I hate you!" Ron yelled at Hermione.

"That's because it's an odd-numbered book," Hermione explained. "You'll be singing a different tune next year."

"………I HATE YOU!"

The both ignored him. Harry was shifting through his playing deck and making sure all the Exodia cards were on top. Trust in the heart of the cards? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE. They're inanimate, for Pete's sake!

Draco jumped into the hallway. "PREPARE TO DIE, POTTER!!!"

"Oh, well, guess Draco isn't here," Harry sighed. "Darn, I was really looking forward to using Mystical Elf. She's really hot for a Yu-Gi-Oh card. And, sadly, she's the best actor on the show."

Ron railed about the stupiditys of dubbing Anime that, unfortunately, no one listened to.

(Author grumbles and goes to watch Gundam Wing. Which, amazingly, is the only Dub better than the Sub. Canadian actors at least talk when the mouth is moving)

Suddenly, a mini Danny Devito popped up. He made some generic remarks until ex-Director Chris Columbus shot him and dragged him away.

"OOOH, that Chris Columbus," Draco said admiringly. "He can sail my Niña any day!"

(DA DUM, CHHHHHHH!)

Quite suddenly, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were in front of a big, three-headed dog.

"IT'S CEREBERUS!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE AT THE GATES OF HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed.

"Isn't my CGI cool?" Chris Columbus said. "It did a lot better than the Santa Maria, I can tell you."

(DA DUM, CHHHHHHH!)

Hermione took out a magnifying glass and inspected the floor.

"Wow, isn't this menacing?" Harry said placidly.

"I'M MENACING!!" Cereberus said.

"See? I was speaking the truth! But…what is truth? PEACE AND LOVE, dudes! I don't want to be the hero of a book serial anymore! I want to open a Vegan restaurant that only serves grasses and herbs…oh, those grasses and herbs…That reminds me, I have to go visit the Herbology green houses now…" Harry had seen Hermione's "sedative" in her back pocket and decided to use some himself. Suddenly, the world seemed so much…happier!

Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked away.

"Hey, did you guys see that Cereberus was standing on a trap door?" Hermione said.

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Ron.

"Wow, Hermione, that might be an important plot device, but doesn't it stand to reason that a trap door would lead to the second floor?"

"You would think so, wouldn't you?"

"I HATE YOU!"

"Good night, all. We're not due to become friends for another chapter." Hermione walked away.

"Well, now that she's gone," Ron said. "That's when someone walked up to me and said/Young Man, get yourself off the street…"

They linked arms and skipped off to their Common Room, singing, "IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYMCA!"

* * *

Wow…this wasn't that funny, was it? 


	10. HalloQueen

Disclaimer-No own, no sue

A/N-You have to know the songs to get this chapter

A/N-I also have to thank Katie J for the inspiration for parts of this chapter

Shout-outs: DiggaDigga-You'd be surprised…I think Pettigrew DOES have his own fan following. At least, he has people who don't want to rip his head off, shove it on a stick, and burn it.

* * *

Hallo-Queen

* * *

Harry and Ron appeared at the Gryffindor Table the next day. Draco walked over to them, because he has no life outside tormenting Ron and Harry. One wonders what he does when he's alone. Probably picks his nose. Or throws small animals out windows and blames Canada. Or maybe the Matrix has him.

"I thought you were going to be expelled!" he yelled in a desperate attempt to shut the author up.

"Nope!" Ron said. "We're indispensable to the plot, unlike you! _I see a little silhouetto of a man!"_

_"Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango???!!!!!"_ Harry sang.

__

_"THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTENING, VERY, VERY, FRIGHTENING—ME!!" _Draco explained.

__

_"GALILEO, Galileo, GALILEO, Galileo, GALILEO figaro magnificO-O-O-O-O-O!" _Hermione yelled from her seat.

"_She's a Killer Queen! Gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam, guaranteed to blow your mind anytime!"_ Harry sang.

Hermione somehow took offense to that and glared at him before stalking away.

* * *

Harry was waiting on the Quidditch field.

Suddenly, Really Really Hot Guy walked out. He has no name. He is known only as Really Really Hot Guy.

"Hi, Harry," Really Really Hot Guy said. "You're here to learn about Quidditch. Well, here goes." He got on his broom. _"I'm a shooting star leaping through the SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY like a tiger, defying the laws of gra-vi-ty! I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva!"_

(Author pauses at that, but remembers that this fic is PG)

__

_"I'm gonna go, go, go. There's no stopping me!_ Y'know, Harry, it is very, very important to the plot that you are a Quidditch player, so pay attention."

__

_"I'm burning through the sky, yeah! 200 degrees; that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit!"_ Harry responded solemnly. _"I'm traveling at the speed of light!"_

_"I'M WANNA MAKE A SUPER-SONIC MAN OUTTA YOU!!!"_ Really Really Hot Guy belted out.

__

_"Don't stop me NOOOOOOOW! I'm having such a good time! I'm having a ball! Don't stop me now! If you wanna have a good time…"_

_"Just give me a call!"_ Really Really Hot Guy sang.

(Author promptly faints and so we change the scene)

* * *

Professor Flitwick was teaching a Charms class. He was teaching them to make feathers fly. Except Hermione, who was very, very bored, because she knew it all already. So she made the feather fly up Ron's nose.__

_"Fear me, you lord and lady preachers!"_ she sang, standing up. "_I descend upon your earth from the skies! I command your very souls, you unbelievers! Bring before me what is mine: The Seven Seas of Rhye!"_

Harry stared at her in wonder. He completely ignored the fact that Ron was allergic to feathers and was having a seizure on the floor right; he was completely absorbed in Hermione. Poor, poor secondary-character Ron.

__

_"Fat-Bottomed Girls, you make the rocking world go 'round!"_ he said appreciatively.

__

_"I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me,"_ Ron sang miserably, his face turning purple.

__

_"HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAMILY!!"_ the rest of the class chorused. They all gestured to Hermione. _"SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!!"_

(Sailors of the HMS Pumpkin Pie rejoice)

"You're just an imbecile! Why don't you actually study for once!" Hermione yelled at him.

"_I want to ride my bicyCLE! I want ride my bike. I want to ride my bicyCLE! I want to ride it where I like!"_ Ron retorted. "And you're a know-it-all!"

"And you smell!"

"Yeah, well, you're a Nick Carter groupie!"

The entire classroom gasped.

"That was WAAAY below the belt, Ron," Harry informed him.

Hermione burst into tears. _"SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EYE???!!!"_ she screamed, and then ran away.

Harry sighed. _"This thing called love…I don't know how to handle it!"_

"Okay, now you're just ripping off Elvis," Ron said disparagingly.

Professor Flitwick dismissed the class as Harry began chanting, "I know you are but what am I?"

* * *

Harry and Ron sat at the Gryffindor table. Hermione was still fairly upset. Light Purple Brown reported that she was singing "Somebody to Love" in the girl's bathroom.

Suddenly, the DADA teacher, Professor Skinny-English-White-Man-In-A-Purple-Turban, ran in. He was very, very, shifty…but I'm sure that he's just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.

He took a step to the left and jumped to the ri-i-ight, which everyone knew was Shifty-Eyed Language for "There's a mountain troll in the school and we will all die horribly grisly deaths".

Harry looked at Ron. Ron looked at his food. Harry coughed loudly. Ron looked at Professor Skinny-English-White-Man-In-A-Purple-Turban, who had put his hands on his hips and pulled his knees in ti-i-ight. Harry sighed and stood up. Ron finally took the hint and walked out, doing the pelvic thrust that really drives them insane.

They knew what they had to do.

Well, Harry, did, anyway. Ron was too busy doing the Time Warp dance

* * *

Hermione looked up at the Mountain Troll. Of all the rooms in the castle, what were the odds that it would go into this one?

Poor Hermione. For all her genius, she is obviously ignorant to Plot Elements.

She sighed. _"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for MEEEE, FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"_

"HEEEEEEEEEEEERE we are! Born to be kings! We're the Princes of the Universe!!!!!!!!!"

Harry knocked in the door. Ron stood behind him, singing backup.

__

_"Here we are, fighting for survival! We've got to be the rulers of your world!!!"_ Harry stuck his wand up the troll's nose while Ron tied his shoelaces together. The troll tripped and broke his horned-rim glasses. He then ran away crying. Later he would become a Nobel Prize-winning psychologist to help high-school social misfits who suffered the same fate as he did. But that's another humorous anecdote for another day.

__

_"Will somebody find MEEEEEEEEEE somebody to love??????!!!!!!!!"_ Hermione sang. She looped her arm through Harry's and they skipped off into the sunset and had 2.5 kids and a dog, while Ron went off to California to live with his sister and star in a sitcom which never did any good because he was nothing, NOTHING without his Friends…

* * *

Meanwhile, a creepy disembodied voice sang, _"I am immortal! I have in me the blood of kings! (Yeah)! I have no rival! No man can be my equal! TAKE ME TO THE FUTURE OF YOUR WOOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!!!!!"_


	11. Hey, Look, A Distraction

Disclaimer-………Bite me. 

A/N-There's political humor here, so don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

Hey, Look, A Distraction!

* * *

The Quidditch season was upon them, and Harry didn't know what was worse: the people telling him he'd suck, or Hermione's insistence that 11 was far to young to be dirty dancing in the Havana nights.

Um………………Hey look, a distraction!

(Runs away)

So, anyway, the Quidditch season was upon them, and…

(Fast Forward)

"All right men," Really Really Hot Guy was saying.

"And women!" George pronounced.

Everyone stopped to stare at George.

"What are you looking at?! I'm just a bloody squirrel!" George hid his mascara behind his back. "Running, jumping, climbing trees!"

And, true to his word, he began running, jumping, and climbing trees.

Fred suddenly felt the need to prove his masculinity, so he yelled "WOMAN!", grabbed Angelina, and began snogging her.

"Oh, Oliveeeeeeeeeeeeer!"

Percy Weasley suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "You're in trouble, mister; it was your turn to cook last night…"

"Woman, don't you understand I have a job?!" Really Really Hot Guy shouted.

"You're so mean to me!" Percy whapped Really Really Hot Guy's head with a Gucci purse and stormed away.

"I'm sorry, baby! I love you!" Really Really Hot Guy glomped Percy. "Tell you what, why don't we get away, just you and me?"

"Oh, Oliver! You always know what to say!" They began to snog passionately.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PARODY FOR A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN. WE BELIEVE THIS FIC HAS BROUGHT UPON THE SUDDEN RISE IN FANGIRLS JUMPING OUT OF NEARBY WINDOWS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAVE THESE TENDENCIES, RUN, DO NOT WALK TO THE NEAREST HOWARD JOHNSON'S AND DO THE CHIQUITA BANANA DANCE TO COPA CABANA.

"Her name was Lola!" Snape sang, dancing around a HoJo's with a bowl of fruit on his head. "She was a showgirl!"

WE BRING YOU MORE ON THIS STORY ON THE 6 O'CLOCK NEWS AT 11.

(Back To The Quidditch Pitch)

"You want fries with that?" some vendor asked.

"What'd you say 'bout my mama?!" Harry hollered, jumping on the vendor and beating him up. Poor, underpaid food service industry workers.

The match, unfortunately, had to be canceled because George thought the Quaffle was "really dirty", and Fred would not stop shouting "We're not COMPLETELY identical! WOMAN!!!"

The next day, they decided to continue with the match because Hogwarts actually has a non-discrimination policy.

"I'm not a homophobe. I swear I'm not," Bush said. "I just enjoy imposing morality on the masses."

Kerry checked the stats list. "Well, according to this, 70 percent of the US aren't homophobes. So I'm not, either." he began to move his arms and clunk around the stands. "There is no "I" in team, there is no "I" in team..."

So the Quidditch teams mounted their brooms and took off into the air.

Harry's job was to find the golden Easter Egg and spread joy, chocolate, and tooth decay among the masses upon finding it. However, for the first 10 minutes, Harry sat in the air and watched like an idiot.

"I have a chick's name and I can never get a girlfriend," Announcer-Dude Lee Jordan said. "So George Weasley is my love monkey."

Everyone stopped and stared at Lee.

"Erm…I mean…hey, look, a distraction!"

The whole of the spectators looked away. Lee Jordan wiped the sweat off his forehead. If only he could tell the whole world of his love for the crimson-haired boy who hair was the color of crimson.

If only he could tell which crimsoned-haired boy was George…

"WOMAN!!" Fred somehow managed to glomp Angelina in mid-air.

Okay, so that one WASN'T his love monkey.

Meanwhile, the Gryffindor Band Geeks had started up a rousing chorus of "Toxic". Not to be outdone, the Slytherin Band Geeks started up with "Naughty Girl".

However, now one was paying attention, because they were watching the horse races around the track the next field over.

"And in first place it's DoesThisDressMakeMeLookFat," Lee announced. "Twenty feet behind is NoNotReally followed closely by WhatDoYouMeanByThat. Rounding the corner is IHateYouYou'reSoMeanToMeIShouldHaveListendToMyMotherAndMarriedBob, followed by IKnewYou'dBringHimUp! Next is GetOutOfMyHouse followed by Begging and Pleading, Begging, Pleading and in the last place, HeyLookADistraction!"

The audience looked back at the Quidditch pitch and promptly began panicking. Harry…oh, the horror…the humanity! He was playing Solitaire…with only 51 cards!

Hermione promptly fainted at her ONE and ONLY TRUE LOVE'S peril.

Harry looked up and snatched the Easter egg.

"Hey, it's a Cream-Filled Egg!" Harry said, opening it to find the multi-colored cream inside.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S THE SPORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed and began running in circles.

"Ron, look, a distraction!" Neville Largebottom yelled.

"Where?" Ron looked around. "Distraction? DISTRACTION!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!WHERE ARE YOU, DISTRACTION?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Tonight! I'll be your naughty girl!" several Slytherins sang off-key.

"I'm addicted to you; don't you know that you're toxic?" several Gryffindors sang even more off-key.

Everyone paused to look at the Gryffindor Band geeks, contemplating just how little sense those lyrics made.

"Erm…um…hey, look, a distraction!" the drum major said.

"Distraction?" Ron piped up. "WHERE?! DISTRACTION!! COME BACK TO ME!! BACK TO THE DAYS IN TRANSYLVANIA WHEN OUR LOVE WAS MUTUAL!!!!!!!!!" Ron fell to his knees and sobbed like a broken man.

Hermione, fully energized now that her one heart's love was okay, got up and set Snape's robes on fire. And he screamed like a girly man.

"Harry, I think Snape is trying to kill you," Hermione said as Harry landed.

"Nah, I think he's really just resentful of me because my aunt is actually a witch and he dated her but his Slytherin peers found out and nearly tortured them to death and he had to lie and say that he was playing her in order to get away and get them in trouble but my aunt thought it was the truth and gave up all magic entirely and they both hate me because I remind them of their worst mistakes."

"Harry, I think Snape is trying to kill you."

"Great Scott, you're right!"

"Aren't I though?" Really Really Hot Guy said, flexing his pecs.

(Author Promptly Faints)

* * *

Brownie points to anyone who went to a HoJo's and danced the Chiquita Banana.


End file.
